The Beast in the Driveway

This morning when Alpha Geek and the Director came home, they discovered a creature had set up shop on the back of my car.

“No, really, you should come see this thing,” insisted Alpha Geek. “I’ve never seen a spider this big. It’s made this elaborate web on your car. It hung out a sign: Spiders, Inc.”

So I went out to have a look.

I have no idea what kind of spider this is. It was contentedly chowing down on its grasshopper, giving zero fucks that I was looming over it with a camera.

An hour or so later, I wanted to go get groceries. Young Aragog had finished its meal; the grasshopper lay discarded on my bumper. I thought I’d better knock the beast off the back of my car before I left. I found a stick—a long stick—for the purpose.

As soon as the stick touched the web, Shelob Jr. scurried up under the overhang on the back of my car. You know, the part with the latch to open the hatchback. The part where you put your hand.

At this point I went from “knock it off with a stick” to “kill it with fire.” I was prepared to grab a can of Raid and coat the back end of my car with toxins. Alpha Geek and the Director peered up at the overhang with a flashlight, and determined that the creature was crouched off to the side of the latch. Alpha Geek suggested he open the hatchback so we could see into the cranny and get at the beast. We had a brief squabble because I wouldn’t unlock the car—I didn’t want to put my hand up there, and I didn’t want him to put his hand up there, either.

Finally he got me to unlock the car and opened the hatch. With door horizontal we could easily see it crouched up in a cranny, flipping us the bird x 8. The Director poked it gently with a stick, it vaulted out and scurried down the door, dropped to the ground, and bolted off under the car.

I think from now on I’m going to park on the street.